Ladies of Pleasure

 

1/11 LADIES OF PLEASURE

 

In life I aspire to nothing as highly as enjoying whimsical afternoons having tea, old fashioned perhaps but I in a past life I was a Lady who lunched. All whimsy is lost the moment you start planning, for there is nothing more exhausting than working to a schedule. Being productively-lazy I managed to reduce high tea to a 15 minute version that delivers the same what-is-a-weekend feeling as a posh nosh affair.

There is a simple trick that never fails me. The rule of 531. Sounding almost illuminati, this recipe produces scones in no time, no effort and no preparation. Keep it secret, keep it safe.

Ingredients (all approximate) - 5/3/1

500g Self-raising Flour (5)
300ml Milk (3)
100g Butter (1)
Salt


What I did - Rule of 531

Begin by rubbing the flour (500g - 5) and butter (100g - 1) together with your fingers in a large bowl. Flutter your fingers until all the butter has broken down into fatty flour rubble. Add a good pinch of salt and any additions you fancy - for me raisins are life. Then pour the milk (300ml - 3) over and use a few fingers to quickly stir everything together. 

With the mix cohering but loose, tip onto a lightly floured surface and knead for a few seconds until it you have a workable dough. It's important to not over knead at all, as there is little rising agent in the mix and more than a few firm thrusts will knock the rise out. Stop when it becomes too solid, should feel a little unstable.

Roll out to about an inch thick and cut out your scones with whatever circle cutter you have. Brush tops with some milk and bake for 12 minutes until you see perfection. Vigorously whip cream into submission and dollop with blood red jam. Swallow.

JG
 

Carmen's Bowl

29/10 CARMEN'S BOWL

Self portrait J.Gurr '15

 

Fruit salad long has been a graveyard for fruit, where little joy is ever found. A serious issue that needs addressing and something I feel obsessive about. Through all civilisation an abundance of fruit has been a rare joyous thing, a vision of promise. Never more apparent than when cascading from Carmen Miranda's head, but somewhere along the way it fell into a bowl and died.

I come from a family of fruit old-masters, My Mother and Grandmother can outdo Botticelli or Caravaggio in a fruit platter any day. However I have grown up always loathing fruit salad. It has always been the place to carelessly throw remaining fruit together, a by by-product of their fruit renaissance. Chunks of browning apple, banana, orange in a bowl inspired the most passionate hatred - enough to take action.

I've been working to give fruit salad its own renaissance, letting the inner Carmen Miranda take over. This is more a method than recipe, apply where you please, it's what you do with the fruits that are given to you.

Ingredients (all approximate) - 

1 Banana
2/3 Mango
1 Kiwi Fruit
1/2 dozen Strawberries
Handfull Grapes
2 Passion fruit
1 tbls Maple Syrup



What I did - Less recipe than philosophy 

SIZE - No matter what fruit you have at hand or what you intend to use, the key is to slice everything small, almost "what was this to start with" small. I can't tell you how to chop everything, but as a guide Bananas are cut into quarters lengthways and then diced. Grapes are cut into three or four transparent discs and strawberries are cut into small ruby shards. This ensures that with every mouthful you are getting a complete symphony of fruit, not an out of tune soloist.

FRUIT - The choice of fruit is entirely dependant on what you have and what's in season, leaving you with little control. The important decision is what not to use, and to me the the only permanent emission from any fruit salad is apple - that's a deal breaker ladies*. Base what to use on the textures, sweetness, colour, season and if there's something especially good available. 

DRESSING - The final step is something usually reserved for savoury salads, but it makes perfect sense to unify the varied fruits with a dressing. My go to is Maple Syrup (as good quality as possible, should be able to taste the sap) cautiously drizzled over and turned through the fruit. The woody sweetness shouldn't overpower, instead enhance the flavours and unify all the natural juices. It also gives a ridiculous gloss, akin to Carrie Bradshaws 90s lipgloss. Final step is to whip the sweetness back in line, the pulp of a passion fruit or a small squeeze of lemon does the trick.

Trust in the force, and the fruit salad will be strong with you. Also so delicious you will Carmen Miranda about with a fruity glow for days.

JG

*There is nothing about the acidic burn or crisp texture that brings anything to the bowl - and spurned my mistaken loathing for fruit salad. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EVER USE APPLE, there is a reason Snow White died 🍏😵.

 

Voodoo Brew

25/10 VOODOO SOUP

Voodoo. Who do? You do. Do what? Fix everything... this magic chicken brew does its best. While I know it doesn't look all that, there is survival in its simple warmth. The recipe was created as a by-product of my Halloween costume for which the bones of 4 roast chickens are needed. This was my way to use all the birds before they became a couture necklace.

The soup should be peppery and full of flavor yet still light, thanks to aromatic celery-chili-ginger mix. The onion become translucent noodles-like tentacles, giving some body to the broth. The clearer the brew the better for the soul - perhaps it conjured a Voodoo spirit - and this certainly revived this tired bag of bones. If not see a witch doctor.

Ingredients (all from leftovers) - 

500 ml Chicken Stock (& 1 L boiled water)
1 Roast Chicken
1 Onion
Celery Stems
Rosemary
Ginger
Salt + Pepper


What I did - 

To make the stock you can pretty much do anything, so long as you have a couple of roast chicken carcasses saved up. Its important to use a roast chicken which you otherwise would throw away as there is so much more flavor in a massacred roast chook than bought stock bones. Of course you can just use bought chicken stock because who can really bother all the time. But if you are making the stock, a process I feel akin to meditation, put the chicken carcasses (x2) in a large pot. Add a few vegetables, I use a carrot, onion and the otherwise inedible base of a celery. Spice up your life-broth with some salt, pepper and chili flakes. Honestly add anything that takes your fancy, cover everything with water, simmer for a couple of hours then strain stock out.

Now assuming that you've bothered, or just have chicken stock at hand the soup can be brewed. I start by reducing a sliced onion in a heavy pot. Add a pinch of salt to help draw out the moisture and speed up the process. Stir occasionally to avoid burning. In the meantime prepare the chicken just ensure that there is only the flesh, no skin or bones, and slice thin but wide. Tumble the white meat in and sear for a few seconds, until it just starts sticking. Add the stock and let simmer.

Add the sprig of rosemary, hunk of ginger and celery leaves, keep tied with string or large enough to remove at the end. Cover with boiled water and salt heavily. The Salt will keep the flavor from disappearing in the water and the celery will help to keep the broth light.

Boil gently for an hour with the lid perched on the edge to let steam escape. The broth should reduce by a third or so, then is ready to revive. Shake in a hit of pepper and remove the Rosemary and Celery before serving. Doesn't look perfect but the amber broth, translucent onion 'noodles' and chicken slivers has a magic that can revive even the most tormented soul.

JG

Bruschettamole

23/10 BRUSCHETTAMOLE

 

Sometimes the bread you have is beyond stale and when only a few half-used vegetables reside in the fridge the situation seems dire. Today is one of those days coupled with the carryover effects of a big night, not a great mess to be in. So rustling what's left together caused a massacre of Italian and Mexican staples with a Japanese flourish, somewhat resembling the bonkers-genius of Kill BIll.

This toasted Frankenstein is part crunchy bruschetta and smooth spiced guacamole - bruschettamole. Very loose Japanese influence courtesy of a splash of sesame oil. Depending on surviving vegetables this likely won't happen the same way twice, but hit the spot this time. When in doubt always follow your nose, no matter which country you splay between, and hope that the next time is as successful.

Ingredients (all leftovers) - 
1 Tomato
1/2 Avocado
2 Mushrooms
2 Spring Onion
1 Broccoli tuft (had a sad old piece lying around, why not)
10g goats cheese
Chilli flake
Sesame Oil (& seeds if handy)
Balsamic Vinegar
Bread (for toast)

What I did - 

Finely chop the tomato and mushroom, into small forkable pieces and put in small bowl. Scissor the spring onion into the mix- use raw as they don't have an acidic burn. Not essential but I had a leftover tuft of broccoli in the fridge so shaved the top in as well. Fork out half an avocado and crumble a chunk of goats cheese.

Now add the sesame oil, vinegar and chill flakes. Mix as you go to make sure everything combines and is to taste. Tip into the waiting golden toast and then devour. I like to wait a minute or two and let the bread soak the juices - but that's just me. Its kind of a perfect mexi-talian hybrid for when you are in a culinary confusion.

JG

Villainous Popcorn

20/10 BURNT CARAMEL POPCORN

Addiction is not to be taken lightly and, like Gollum's uncontrollable lust for the ring, this is mine. Popcorn, the one snack to rule them all. Cinema is my one true love, add popcorn for an addiction I will take to my grave - eat enough that wont be long.

The notion of Burnt-Salted-Caramel-Popcorn is so grossly on trend right now, but I promise there was no intention of it being as such. Instead it ticks all the block(heart)buster boxes and is so wildly moreish there is no escape. The amber shards of bittersweet caramel with the ethereal salted popcorn are a dichotomy of dark and light inspired by the greatest cinematic duels. Opposite forces intrinsically linked, catastrophic and delicious. Don't tempt me indeed, give in to the burnt-caramel side of the corn.

Ingredients (all approximate) - 

1 cup Popcorn Kernels
1 cup Sugar
100g Unsalted Butter
1 1/2 tlbs Salt (flakes)


What I did - 

First step - Pop the corn. Start by melting the butter with 1/2 tablespoon of salt in a large deep pan (30cm or so). Add in the orange popcorn kernels and stir until the butter has completely melted.
Put the lid on and wait until you start to hear a symphony of miniature explosions. Using a tea towel hold the lid in place and shake over the heat - just so the popped corn doesn't stick and burn. Once the rattle subsides turn the heat off and rest until silent. Tip into a large bowl to cool, scattering over the remaining salt flakes.

The next part is not difficult at all, just involves patience and calm - both of which I lack resulting in a failed first attempt. However, if you do nothing but wait patiently it will be fine. Tip the sugar into a heavy bottomed saucepan, ideally cast-iron or copper. Put onto a low heat until the sugar has melted. DO NOT STIR, you can swirl the pan if the caramel is darkening too quickly, anything else will crystalize the sugar (my initial downfall). Once it has reached a dark burnished gold it is ready.

Now is the time to act quickly - but calmly. Just breathe. The caramel cant be off the heat or else it will harden instantly, so swiftly tip it over the popcorn and using a large wooden spoon as fast as you can mix it through. Don't be afraid to use force, the caramel will fight back. Turn it onto a baking tray and spread it out as much as possible. Its easiest to crack it now before it sets too hard and stick to the tray, using the spoon keep it moving and cracking until its set.

By this stage its easiest to use your hand to crumble the golden shards and puffy corn into a large bowl ready for an epic movie. It wont be sickly sweet - instead salty, buttery and bittersweet. It's my precious.

JG

Bake for Bed

10/10 BAKED EGGS FOR BED

"spooning in a spoon"

Lazy. Only way to describe Sundays. No matter what else is going on in your world, Sundays always seem to slow down. Even when you have to go to work - I know right - there is always a moment to just be still. For me that usually involves snacking on a whole lot of random things like an excited thief raiding the pantry. But today time is going by so slowly, and I'm hung up on the thought of eggs.

Baked eggs, the ultimate slow breakfast (and by that I mean at 10:30, anything earlier is ungodly. Praise Madonna). Designed out of ease over aesthetic, to be eaten from the bowl with a fork and company - or a good movie...

Ingredients (all approximate) - 

2 Eggs (whisked with a splash of milk)
1/2 Onion (reduced)
1 Tomato (griddled)
Rosemary
Balsamic
Butter
Salt + Pepper


What I did - Oven preheated @ 200 degrees

Start by chopping the tomato into small pieces and the onion in to thin slices, then scald in a blisteringly hot fry pan. When they are softened and brown take them off the heat. Splash the balsamic vinegar over and throw in the salt and pepper, turn through the pan. Scissor a sprig of rosemary over the top. Then put the pan under a hot grill, the salt should help the onions and tomatoes reduce further as they cook through.

While the pan is grilling whisk the eggs and milk together until thoroughly combined, the egg mix should become pale and slightly thinner. Now all elements are ready to come together. Spread the grilled ingredients into the bottom of a small baking dish. Scatter a few nibs of butter around and pour the frothy eggs on. Being a little addicted to the heat parmesan gives, peel a few curls using an apple peeler and strew on top.

Blast in the oven for about 10 minutes, or until the eggs have puffed up. East straight out of the dish with a fork, preferably outdoors or in bed with company ;)

JG

Friday Winetime

16/10 FRIDAY WINETIME SALAD



Wine needs no accompaniment or excuse ever, especially Friday wine time. But the amount I force my friends to drink with me demands that I provide something to eat as well. Nothing too complicated, which can be made quickly between glasses. Yet with enough body and flavor to satisfy. Its something nice, different, unusual - yeah, no, not too unusual - but nice. Yeah it's different.

Thank God for Friday, cant lie it's midweek for me and this was made for my Friday equivalent. Let the wine, music and friends flow freely - excess in moderation. Life's too short to waste time holding back. Greatsch.


Ingredients (all approximate) -

Spinach (2 large bunches, cleaned)
2 Tomatoes (sliced Thin)
100ml Yoghurt
1 small Garlic clove
1 tsp Smoked Paprika
1 tbsp Nigella seeds
Oil
Salt + Pepper


What I did - Down a glass

Lets not beat about the bush - its a salad. Spinach in the bowl. Slice the tomatoes wafer thin and strew in the bowl, I like cutting them whole so that they become almost another leaf in the salad.

The dressing is the most strenuous part, and by that all you need is a Jar and a strong arm to shake, which trust me doesn't take much skill. Dollop the yoghurt into a clean jar, add the oil and paprika. Mince the garlic clove in, I tend to hold back with raw garlic for fear of offending. Now using that masterfully trained arm, shake the living daylights out of the jar until the mixture emulsifies to a thickened red flecked dressing.

Pour over the waiting salad and scatter over the jet black Nigella seeds (they do look like a swarm of Ants from a distance) and Salt-N-Pepa to taste. The Yoghurt and heady Nigella seeds should tame the heat from the Paprika and make a perfectly cool salad for any shade of wine.

JG

Caribbean Cake

14/10 CARIBBEAN CAKE

Back to Black, well blackened Bananas at least, in the form of a culture confused Banana cake. Banana cake is the simplest cake to make, and is done all the time. That said I have a tried and true recipe which depending on my mood I always add new additions, and the end result is consistently different, adventurous if not always perfect.

Today the bi-carburious cake is sampling parts of Canada, Jamaica and Scotland. Canada in the maple syrup substitute for sugar (because I ran out), Jamaica in the addition of dates and coconut and finally a Scotch tipple. Perhaps influenced by copious number of Bond films I've been downing lately, which just makes me yearn for a stiff drink in Jamaica with Sean. But instead I'll settle for Banana cake heady with whiskey and coconut. Bottoms/Bananas up.


Ingredients (all approximate) -

2 Ripe Bananas
250g Self-Raising flour
1 Cup sugar (I mix brown and white)
1/2 Cup Maple syrup
2 Eggs
1/2 Tsp Cinnamon
1/2 Tsp Vanilla Extract
1/2 Cup Milk
100g Pitted Dates (soaked in shot of whiskey)
400g Shredded Coconut
Caramelized Banana/Coconut on top

What I did - Oven preheated to 180 degrees

First off I'm not going to lie and say this is entirely my own work. It is based off an tried and true Banana cake recipe which began as one of Stephanie Alexander's, but over time and laziness it has varied and this version has become second nature.

First cream the butter and sugar until light and pale. Then add in the bananas, I just mush them with my fingers as I put them into the mixer and then mix it hard until amalgamated (If you are doing my hand, then mush Bananas in a bowl with a fork first).

Now its time to add the first wet ingredients, the burnished maple syrup and vanilla. This should make the mix very wet, and if there are any lumps stress not because once the dry is added it will all come good. And with that, add the flour, spices & baking powder. Mix gently to avoid any explosions and once the mix coheres add the milk.

Its at this stage that the easy come, easy go ingredients are added, for today some leftover shredded coconut, and a handful of pitted dates. I soaked the dates in some whiskey to give them some heat when cooked, but give them a squeeze before chopping small and adding to the mix, so that they don't soak the batter or sink to the bottom.

Pour mix into a large lined cake tin, about 25-28cm and bake for one hour, but check that the top doesn't burn and that the center is cooked at the end. Because it is a very heavy wet mix it needs a long bake, but not too hot. Unlike what I did when I ran out of the house and didn't make it back in time enough. The finished cake shouldn't be as black as pictured - truly easy come, easy go.

To finish, or to mask the slight darkening, I made a some caramel shards with banana sliced and coconut to shatter on top. Simmer a third(ish) cup of sugar and a tablespoon of water until caramel, without stirring only swirl the pan if needed. Add the banana/coconut and pour on some baking parchment to cool. Massacre with a knife and crumble on top. All mistakes covered ;)

JG

Day-O

10/10 DAY-O

I'm not a morning or breakfast person. Well, in my own way I am - but I need an hour before the world should deal with me - and I firmly believe that breakfast should be taken slow from 10am. However the exhaustion felt at the end of the day has made me rethink unless I want to feel like the soggy brown bananas sitting in my fruit bowl. Daylight comes and I want to stay home.

Bananas should give you all the Josephine Baker energy you need, but there is no way I was going to put that soggy brown thing in my mouth. Luckily I prepared - what even - and froze the bananas the night before with the hope that they'll make the most addictive milkshake. It will bring all the boys to the yard.


Ingredients (all approximate) -

1 frozen Banana (black and large)
200ml milk (well however much to cover the banana)
Cocoa powder (for exoticism)

What I did - 

Make sure that you strip the bananas of their blackened skins and dice them into large pieces, freeze them overnight in a zip lock bag. This should firm up the soft meat and stop the ripening, but remember these cant be defrosted again - only blasted to smithereens in a blender.

Fast forward to the morning, where I know the idea of loud noises is painful but only for a few seconds. Put the frozen pieces in a blender, I hade a huge banana so only used one, if its smaller you could double up. The add milk until the bananas are just submerged then blitz.

They should take only a few seconds before they whir up into a smooth aerated thick-shake. The texture is similar to that if you used ice-cream, the starch in the banana helps thicken the milk and creates the creamy body. I found this Mayan chilli cocoa powder so for the sake of adventure I sprinkled a little on top.

I have a feeling over summer there will be more experiments with different fruits and spices, but as a base this is solid. Now black bananas should keep us all dancing like Josephine.

JG

Jungle Fever

06/10 JUNGLE FEVER

Jungle fever is something I usually associate with the image of an animalistic Grace Jones, growling from inside a cage. Today her spirit possesses me. I find myself prowling the kitchen, knowing that nothing can be done about the hell-on-earth heat outside. I feel that if there is something cooling to eat, then eventually the world will calm down. We can hope.

Staying in the jungle, my fridge is overgrown with vegetables so whats been created is a great green bowl. Something close to foraging a meal from under a leafy canopy. The only rule to follow is keep everything green, and that broccoli-avocado are a perfect match - natural selection really. Keep it chilled for when appetite hits and it should be cooling, light and punchy enough to tame a wild beast in heat. I am a leo after all.


Ingredients (all approximate) -

1-2 Avocado
2 Heads of Broccoli
Lots of rocket or any leafy green
6 spring onions (or to taste, but be wary of onion strength)
2 large lemon
Large bunch of Coriander
50g goats cheese (had less than desired so substituted with caper berries)
Pinch of chilli
Salt+Pepper
Olive oil

What I did - Gin & Tonic on the side

First and lastly prepared the broccoli.  Cut all the smaller heads off the stem and steam for no longer than 3-4 minutes, make sure they stay crunchy or it will make the salad soggy and heavy.

In that time (and I promise is won't take longer) prepare the other ingredients. Tear up the rocket/leafy green with your hands so that no knives will be needed when served. Add to large salad bowl. Using kitchen scissors chop the coriander and spring onion over the bowl - ensuring that the slimy outer skins have been stripped from the spring onion.

Halve and forcefully squeeze the lemons over the green mix, letting out all the heat induced frustration. Using a spoon scoop out curls of avocado and crumble the goats cheese over the bowl. By this stage the broccoli is more than ready, may need to check beforehand if you feel they are cooking too fast. Shake them over the sink to release any excess water and add them to the bowl.

Give the green bowl a solid mix with tongs (I use my hands if I'm not in distinguished company). The heat from the broccoli should soften the avocado and cheese which coheres all the ingredients. Add any oil/salt/pepper to taste. Last flourish is a sprinkle of chilli, not for heat, to pair with the lemon juice and give the greens new life.

The lion will sleep tonight.

JG

Technicolor Salmon

02/10 - TECHNICOLOR SALMON

A very good friend of mine told me that what you eat should be as colourful as possible. Not meant as hyperbole or metaphor, a literal philosophy that a plate should be full of colour. And in a bizarre way somehow makes perfect sense. Cooking with colour means that the wider spectrum in what you eat, the better, more balanced, all the health blah blah you need - but mainly it always looks and tastes better.

So technicolour dreams in my head and the sun menacingly hot - the horror, the horror - I was stuck with a pair of pink salmon fillets. Of course when you use pink more is always more, think Madonna's confessions era, so i gathered all the ingredients I had and created a camp summery lunch. Nothing too complicated, chucked together in about 15 minutes. Just enough time to start a second glass of rose.

Ingredients (all approximate) -

2 Small Salmon fillets (maybe 200g each)
1 slosh of thick Soy Sauce
1 tsp honey
1 pinch chilli flakes (or paste)
1 tsp wasabi
Salt+Pepper

Red Cabbage (couple of leaves)
Olive oil to griddle

Coriander to garnish (if you're feeling fancy, this salmon had to get ready for its close up)

What I did - 

The first thing to do is drown the salmon in a marinade. Put the fish in a tupperware container and just added everything to that. I go by the marinade rule of some salt, some sweet and some spice - and never hold back. So I used the salty soy, the sweet honey and the wasabi/chilli for spice. Massage everything together, use a spoon if you're not down for sticky fingers, and let sit in the fridge until time to cook (max couple of hours).

The easiest way to cook the fish (and avoid salmonella-ella) is to throw it under a blistering grill until they come out dark and gleaming - say 10 minutes or so. Also be sure to pour all the marinade over the top, most will run off but what sticks will caramelise like toffee.

While the salmon is grilling I got the rest of my pink going, the charred red cabbage. Okay so not strictly pink, more a deep purple. I use a cast iron griddle, preheated as hot as possible - always keep it dry, don't oil it like a frypan. Slick the cabbage leaves with a little oil and then throw them on the griddle until they start smoking. Flip the leaves after a few minutes and grill the other side until both have black scorch marks - embrace the charring.

That is essentially it, not much really, but has everything I was craving in the heat. I served the salmon on top of the cabbage to enhance the scorched pinkness. I only put the two together because I was had the urge, but happily the salmons sweetness brings out the same in the cooked cabbage, and the mild cabbage tones down my heavy handed marinade.

So all I did was marinade, grill and scorch two ingredients yet the technicolor-table idea was never far from my mind. Indeed I downed a bottle glass of rose in the process, and another when eating. All that was missing was the summertime gaiety of a noel coward play. I hope we all have a fabulous meal to brace for the imminent glare of summer, I've found mine ;)

JG